A SEKRET IS…

Over the weeks leading up to our winter break we heard much talk of secret codes and plans. Children were whispering secrets to their "teammates" and working with each other to figure out the other team's code. They referred to the "boy team" and the "girl team," though they were often making exceptions beyond these gender lines.

Ryan holds a team map to the window to see hidden symbols within watermarked paper.
Jane shows her secret code to children at the snack table.

Through this play, children explore this concept, learning both the ways in which secrets can create belonging and bring joy as well as the ways in which secrets exclude and cause hurt. We invited them to have a conversation.

Secrets are hard to see.

I know what it is, it’s something you don’t want to tell other people.  Jane

Or just tell two people.  You whisper it.  Arya

It’s where you whisper something.  “Oh, we’re not talking about anything.”  It’s just in your minds.  Something special.  Sevi

Pretend I want to tell Arya.  (leans to whisper) Something random.  Jane

Like it was my mom’s birthday, if mom was around to not make her hear.  Sometimes secrets are about surprises.  Birdie

I remember yesterday it was yesterday and you didn’t tell the boys.  Arya

Oh Yes.

We changed all our codes. 

Secrets are something you try to figure out.

Like when they said, if they kind of like said, “I know all your codes.”  Vivian

Secrets are mean.  Like a secret about others.  Beatrice

It would make them sad and mad.  Birdie

Well, it could be like a code on your phone.  Sevi

My mom’s passcode on her phone is 1221.  Birdie

My passcode 10101010 on my ipad.  Charlie

1038 when I go away (from home with my family).  Graeme

What a complex idea to figure out! How a secret is defined and how it impacts others is contingent on so many factors. Our role as adults, then, is to help children talk about and discover the role secrets play in our developing community. We help children understand when secrets are exciting and fun. We help them understand when secrets are hurtful, make problems bigger, or break agreements. We can reflect back our observations. In this way, as a community, we can help children define the rules of play. Together, we practice expressing our perspectives and asking one another to shift our ways of being to benefit the group.